September 2, 2014

PUPPPs & Depression



I've been reading quite a few posts lately on one of the Facebook support groups by mommas expressing that are at the end of their coping abilities. A few have mentioned considering terminating their pregnancies. It makes my heart hurt to read these comments. Partially, I remember feeling awful about my pregnancies when my itch was at it's worst. I remember feeling so sad that I wasn't HAPPY to be pregnant. It didn't seem right to me. But on the other hand, I've made it to the other side 3 times now, so I wanted to encourage some of you that are in that dark place right now.

First, I want you to know that what you are feeling is very real and shouldn't be minimized by anyone. People who haven't experienced the life-altering extreme itch of a PUPPPs rash that doesn't seem to have any hope of going away don't understand the mental place it brings you. You can't imagine facing another day, another sleepless night, with this itch!

But let me tell you about the first time I was alone in a room with my first born daughter.

The day before, I spent 18 hours of absolute agony bringing her into the world. Yes, PUPPPs is horrible. But I did not itch in labor. I hurt. I wasn't prepared for the natural birth I wanted, so when the reality of labor pain hit me, it hit me hard. (Side note: it's worth preparing all you can ahead of time to deal with labor! The Bradley Method is my favorite so far. My second birth was incredible in contrast to my first! It can be different!) I writhed in pain with contractions and then vomited in between them, presumably due to my high anxiety and adrenaline levels. There was no rest, no break, until the hard work was done. But then, she was here, and the joy and RELIEF was like nothing I'd ever felt. I'd done the HARDEST thing of my life so far and received the most amazing, beautiful reward!

We spent the next 24 hours marveling over her every detail. When it was time to go home from the hospital, my husband went down to bring the car around, and I was alone with my daughter for the first time. The situation struck me hard. I began to cry. I was alone with this little girl, a helpless tiny person, and she needed me desperately. I suddenly felt I knew the love of a mother. It took me being alone with her, with no nurses or husband to share the burden, to realize she was mine. She slept so peacefully in my arms, unaware of the dangerous world she had just joined.

And as I thought about that dangerous world, I suddenly had a feeling I had never felt before. It was fierce.

I would DIE for this person if need be.

I would trade my life for this child.

It was fierce! It was the fierce, intense love of a mother!

I could not have known the intensity of this love prior to this moment. If someone would have told me before birth, I would not have understood. In the darkness of my PUPPPs, I could have been in danger of missing it!

Ladies, I know you're suffering! But take heart! There is something SO precious on the other side of this! Your child needs you! You will know it when you hold them, but until then, press on!

Find one more remedy to try. Go ahead and order that one more crazy product to try. Make one more appointment with your doctor...or a different doctor! Or a dermatologist! Take one more icy, cold bath. Take a trip to the store to stock up on some luxurious ice packs and comfort food. (Or send someone to the store if putting on clothes sounds horrible.)

(My 3 little PUPPPs babies.)

Do what you need to do to get through, because there is a precious, tiny person inside, unaware of the dangerous world they are about to enter, that needs YOU! You are his or her only protection in this world. You CAN get through. You WILL get through, and you will get to hold that person and be so thankful you made it. Keep going, Momma. Keep going.


(PS. As always, I'd love more information about PUPPPs, so please feel free to answer my polls on the right side of the page. If you are using the mobile version, scroll to the bottom, click on "view web version" and you'll be able to see the polls. Thanks! ~PUPPPs Mom)

14 comments:

  1. This is my 3ed pregnancy and the first one with PUPPP and it has been agony I will admit! But I honestly wouldn't trade it for the world. I lost my son my second pregnancy and after I was told I was never able to have children again due to the infection I had. 8 crazy years later I'm pregnant. I have been one paranoid mommy! I have been lucky the PUPPP is the only problem I have (besides smoking that picked back up when the PUPPP came along... but I have gotten to only smoking a few a day mainly when I have my MAJOR itchy fits and thats like maybe 2 or 3 a day) I always stalk other support groups as well ( wonderful cant sleep at 3am lets look everything up times lol) and have noticed women that have mentioned termination of the pregnancy. Mentally it kills me and I want to find them and tell them that they may never get another chance to have a baby. I look at it like this a baby is a special gift if its planned or not cherish it! You and I both know the crazy feeling we get when that itch hits, and its good to see that someone cares like I do. Personally I would rather have the itchy I hate it all feeling than knowing my baby is in danger!

    I do have a question tho too. With you having PUPPP with all your pregnancy's did you get ppd? Or found that the PUPPP caused it if you did get it? I'm at 34 wks and the doc does plan to induce me at 37 due to my track record and I am worried about getting ppd.

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    1. Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry you're itchy! 3 more weeks to go!

      I haven't had any postpartum depression, but I have had a few friends get it. Really rough stuff. I don't know if there is any causal relationship between PUPPPs and PPD. It would be interesting to see that data! Usually, my rash goes away within 2 months of birth, and it does get a little depressing when it's hanging on AND you're exhausted from caring for a newborn. But I don't think that qualifies as PPD. Did you have it with your first baby? I'm sure you had a huge grieving period after losing your son.

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  2. I never got PPD with my daughter (my first one) or PUPPP so this is all kinda new to me. I had her 9 years ago so its all kinda a faint memory with all the new ones being created each day so to speak. I'm just trying ti mentally prepare myself so I can kinda get an Idea oh how this all will eventually end. I hope it will all just go away soon but I do know better and my luck ain't that great either lol. I spoke to my midwife today and she said the chances of me getting PPD is slim cause I didn't get it with my daughter and with my son it was a different type of depression. She said its more common to get if you have had it before. So it is a minor relief knowing I might not get it.

    I do enjoy reading your blog it has become a good way to put my self at ease knowing I'm not going threw this awful thing alone.

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    1. Sounds like reassuring stuff from your midwife! I'm glad to hear PPD is less likely if you don't have a history of it. And I'm so glad you enjoy the blog! I can tell that lots of people visit but not a lot comment. It's good to hear that someone is feeling less alone because of what I write. That's my goal!

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  3. I have been dealing with PUPPPs for a little over a week now and I can find no relief! The benadryl anti-itch gel helps, but only for a few hours, then it wears off and the itching starts all over again. I know my husband and I need our sleep before we welcome this precious little one into the world, but I DON'T want to go to bed at night because I know all i'll do is lay there and scratch myself until I bleed! I need relief and believe God led me to this site because I NEEDED to read what you wrote! You're right...people don't know what it's like until they go through it. If someone had told me about their experience, without experiencing it myself, I would have thought, "Just don't be a whimp and deal with it." Not the best answer or attitude I know, but I like to tuffen up and deal with stuff, not let it beat me. This is totally different. I just want relief! Thank you for re-affurming that we CAN get through this and that we WILL get through this! With God's help I KNOW it is possible...I just needed to be reminded that others have gone through the same thing I am experiencing... Do you have any advice on what to use? I've even tried sleep aid and, what used to work well for me, now does pretty much nothing!

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    1. I'm so sorry!! How far along are you? I remember thinking I couldn't last a week more when I was nearing my due date with my first baby. It was unbearable. But somehow, the days DO go by. I will pray for you! I'm so glad you found my blog! As far as relief, have you looked at my Treatments I've Tried post? That is a comprehensive list of all my efforts to relieve the rash (some crazy, some less so). But let me just add that my essential oil blend has been the most help! I have a whole post about it, including the recipe! It helped even more than the steroids I took with baby number 3! Both posts are easy to find on the right side of my blog under popular posts. Please keep me posted and feel free to vent here ANY time you need to!!

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  4. As a mom of a daughter who has PUPPS it is very sad and frustrating that, in this 21st Century that we live in, there is no cure or treatment for this. Good to know that she is not alone. I will continue to read, educated myself for her sake, and pray for not only her but all of the others suffering with this. Thank you for this blog.

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    1. I'm sorry your daughter has PUPPPs!! It is such a helpless feeling for all involved! I wish more medical research was devoted to it.

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  5. I am currently suffering from a severe full body case of PUPPPS. I am only 14 weeks pregnant and have been dealing with this for the last 2 weeks. I just scratch and cry. Thinking about dealing with this for the next 6 months makes me so depressed. I know it's really early to be experiencing this but not impossible. I have seen a derm and it is a confirmed case. Anyone else going through this so early in their pregnancy? I am having a hard time coping.

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    1. That's just about when my last 2 cases of PUPPPs started. It's so very hard to imagine facing it for the rest of the pregnancy. In my case, I was able to find a few things to keep me sane. I hope you can too! Let me know if I can help you brainstorm new things to try!

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  6. Hi! I'm not sure I have pupps but I'm trying to figure it out. I am 34.5 weeks. I have had patches of what I assumed were eczema on my legs and hands on and off all this pregnancy. But now I have started getting itchy red bumps on my stomach. I started noticing my stomach looking a little flushed about two weeks ago followed by my stomach skin feeling more sensitive. Now the last few days I've started getting itchy red bumps under my belly button. Please let me know if this sounds like the start of pupps. And could the rash on my legs have been pupps also or does it always start on your belly? By the way this is my sixth pregnancy but the first time experiencing this. But all my other pregnancies were with my first husband, this is my first with this husband. Not sure if that makes a difference. I am kind of rambling but I'm not sure which information would be helpful. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you so much!!

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    1. Hi! I'm so sorry you're getting itchy! While I obviously can't give medical advice, it does sound like it could be PUPPPs to me. I'd go see my doc and see what he or she thinks! PUPPPs has been known to show up anywhere, but the belly seems to be the most common.

      One other thing about your story caught my eye...the fact that this is your first pregnancy with a different husband could be significant. Check out this post about a peer-reviewed article involving a mom with a very similar story...
      http://pupppsrelief.blogspot.com/2014/07/does-daddy-play-role-in-puppps.html?m=0

      I wish you well! Please, check out my "treatments I've tried" post for all my ideas on things to try for relief!

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  7. I need some reassurance. I already had my baby on 12/02/16 and I started out with this rash on my stomach (thinking it was due to knew stretch marks) 2 days before my scheduled c-section at 37weeks well it has been 11 days since I've delivered and the rash is still here but just getting worse... it spread down my thighs this past weekend and then just last night spread further down my legs... the itching is so unbearable! I told my doctor and she says she doesn't know what it is... I believe it is PUPP but had anyone had it last after delivery? I am miserable!

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    1. Tons of women have reported it occurring for the first time after delivery or lasting after delivery! Mine always lasts a month or two after delivery! You are not crazy! It is very likely PUPPPs. Get a second opinion or pester that doc until she prescribes you some steroids!! I'm so sorry! I'm 5 days postpartum and pretty itchy too! But I have a steroid cream that is helping. (Triamcinalone)

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