PUPPPs & Depression

I've been reading quite a few posts lately on one of the Facebook support groups by mommas expressing that are at the end of their coping abilities. A few have mentioned considering terminating their pregnancies. It makes my heart hurt to read these comments. Partially, I remember feeling awful about my pregnancies when my itch was at it's worst. I remember feeling so sad that I wasn't HAPPY to be pregnant. It didn't seem right to me. But on the other hand, I've made it to the other side 3 times now, so I wanted to encourage some of you that are in that dark place right now.

First, I want you to know that what you are feeling is very real and shouldn't be minimized by anyone. People who haven't experienced the life-altering extreme itch of a PUPPPs rash that doesn't seem to have any hope of going away don't understand the mental place it brings you. You can't imagine facing another day, another sleepless night, with this itch!

But let me tell you about the first time I was alone in a room with my first born daughter.

The day before, I spent 18 hours of absolute agony bringing her into the world. Yes, PUPPPs is horrible. But I did not itch in labor. I hurt. I wasn't prepared for the natural birth I wanted, so when the reality of labor pain hit me, it hit me hard. (Side note: it's worth preparing all you can ahead of time to deal with labor! The Bradley Method is my favorite so far. My second birth was incredible in contrast to my first! It can be different!) I writhed in pain with contractions and then vomited in between them, presumably due to my high anxiety and adrenaline levels. There was no rest, no break, until the hard work was done. But then, she was here, and the joy and RELIEF was like nothing I'd ever felt. I'd done the HARDEST thing of my life so far and received the most amazing, beautiful reward!

We spent the next 24 hours marveling over her every detail. When it was time to go home from the hospital, my husband went down to bring the car around, and I was alone with my daughter for the first time. The situation struck me hard. I began to cry. I was alone with this little girl, a helpless tiny person, and she needed me desperately. I suddenly felt I knew the love of a mother. It took me being alone with her, with no nurses or husband to share the burden, to realize she was mine. She slept so peacefully in my arms, unaware of the dangerous world she had just joined.

And as I thought about that dangerous world, I suddenly had a feeling I had never felt before. It was fierce.

I would DIE for this person if need be.

I would trade my life for this child.

It was fierce! It was the fierce, intense love of a mother!

I could not have known the intensity of this love prior to this moment. If someone would have told me before birth, I would not have understood. In the darkness of my PUPPPs, I could have been in danger of missing it!

Ladies, I know you're suffering! But take heart! There is something SO precious on the other side of this! Your child needs you! You will know it when you hold them, but until then, press on!

Find one more remedy to try. Go ahead and order that one more crazy product to try. Make one more appointment with your doctor...or a different doctor! Or a dermatologist! Take one more icy, cold bath. Take a trip to the store to stock up on some luxurious ice packs and comfort food. (Or send someone to the store if putting on clothes sounds horrible.)

(My 3 little PUPPPs babies.)

Do what you need to do to get through, because there is a precious, tiny person inside, unaware of the dangerous world they are about to enter, that needs YOU! You are his or her only protection in this world. You CAN get through. You WILL get through, and you will get to hold that person and be so thankful you made it. Keep going, Momma. Keep going.

(PS. As always, I'd love more information about PUPPPs, so please feel free to answer my polls on the right side of the page. If you are using the mobile version, scroll to the bottom, click on "view web version" and you'll be able to see the polls. Thanks! ~PUPPPs Mom)